I am writing this a few days early, listening to a playlist that Spotify created for me: “unhappy heartbroken saturday afternoon.” Am I offended by that? Maybe. If I think too much, maybe it becomes true. My inner monologue has been a little tumultuous lately as I reevaluate some of my priorities. But today I’m really enjoying my own company. I find myself in awe of my own contentedness and my dedication to myself. My heart is full.
I’ve been occupying my time with meditative activities this month. Practicing mindfulness, crocheting, reading, walking. Movies! I love them so much. It’s so wonderful. Sometimes I need to distract myself from things that are making me sad or anxious. Other times it’s just nice to have routine in my life. These activities have been lulling me into autumn this year. The sun in Southern California has been doing that too. Crazy how you can feel one way, then sit outside for twenty minutes and feel another way. Crazy how watching Kill Bill on my laptop can cure most of what ails me. The sweater I am slowly crocheting is coming together.
At the end of this month, I have been thinking about self-worth and how I spend my time. I want to get back to the things that make me happy and make me like myself more (see The Smiths). I think it can be hard to stay away from things that make me dislike myself, but a bigger picture perspective can often remedy that feeling for me. Lately, I feel so lucky to have the capacity for romance in my life (by romance, I mean in the sense of feeling excitement and wonder in daily life). Beauty, the arts, profound wisdom. Anything beyond survival is superfluous, really. But I am so grateful that those things feel necessary to me and my own personal sense of fulfilment.
I would also like to take myself less seriously and lighten up. Life is just life! I get so concerned with the rules and expectations that I set for myself (or that others set for me). Sometimes, I would just like to do what I want to do and be free from outside influence. If only I didn’t care what other people think so much! I think I put too much weight on the advice and criticism of others. If I took most of that as optional, I think I could let go of a lot of what holds me back.
But I love and appreciate most everyone in my life. People are so amazing. I want to write a long book of poems about that. And I will one day! That means that even when it feels like there is nothing to look forward to. There is.
End-of-Month | webzine and blog 