A week late! On the tail end of big obligations and big events! Lots of stressors! Writing from a place of bitterness! Also writing from a place of hunger. Turns out I am not good at being without routine even though I purport to crave unstructured creative freedom. I need to be given tasks because I am not good at giving myself tasks. Or maybe I could be.
I had a gas leak in my new apartment. Why is a decorative fireplace trying to kill me. I bought a tiny little gas detector and it was not happy with me because I was poking it everywhere and clicking the two buttons all the time. And I was smelling gas for a few days but gaslit myself (not physically). Idk why I didn’t just call the gas company sooner. I feel like when things are wrong that are out of my control that they are somehow a reflection of me. When the gas company man came in he said holy shit what is happening here.
I’ve been getting the Poetry Foundation daily poems in my inbox and I typically like them and find them moving. But lately I just mark them as unread like I do with all of my random emails. Also with Duolingo. I do the daily lessons but do not engage my brain at all. Sorry French. Sorry Korean.
What if I’m just the most bitter person I know? I want to think about what motivates the feeling. A sense of unfairness? Inconvenience? Fatigue? Lack of empathy? I want to probe the feeling. But I also want to keep being bitter and that’s maybe the problem. It feels good to hold grudges and be annoyed sometimes. And then there is a moment when the tension breaks and I get remorseful and I am set free from my bitterness. And that is a good feeling. I feel so silly to have been bitter for so long. But now… Not there yet. Keeping being bitter. Holding onto it
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