11.24.25 For once the evening feels like a void. I yearned all day for rest and then did not enjoy it. Feel like I have a lot to say if someone would just ask. But then when I approach the thoughts I don’t see anything.
Hm. I was on the internet way too much today because I saw a video of a guy playing beats with sticks in the woods & the caption said “There will still be raves in the apocalypse.” And I felt nothing about that. I felt virtually nothing about anything today and now it’s a big deal. I even felt nothing about all of the effort in my life that I feel is not reciprocated. No aspirations and No scale for justice.
So I wrote the beginning of a poem about WWE in my notes and then read it back but it wasn’t good. Of course it wasn’t. Well, it was supposed to say something about melodrama and spectacle and mundane life. I think it was pretty bad. And I wrote it while I was driving in my notes app that’s on me. And I think lately I just complain & that’s kind of my life. Wish I was complaining less (but there I go again).
Finally I was looking at another internet post about that short story about the two headed calf seeing the stars and it made me very emotional. I realized I had been lying in bed for hours and my feet were still ice cold. And I didn’t really know why I felt so dissatisfied there. ennui from having too much time & thoughts. By that I mean 3 extra hours on a Monday.
I looked up from the bed and saw “Walking With Birds” which is an art piece that has followed me around from home to home, and I remember it from my earliest bedroom memories. It was a person who looks like this:
which is actually a really accurate drawing. And I realized that they have tulips on their dress and there are tulips in the background of the art. And of the birds, the two chicks are walking in front of the mom. Sorry. Could be a dad. Or a random cousin. Then, I thought about tattooing Walking With Birds on my arm and maybe felt that was insane. That had never occurred to me before, to have something mean something like that. It makes me want to cry looking at it. The birds. I think I can just trail off and notice a dozen things I didn’t before. The transparent leaves, The translucent clouds. The other flock of birds, red in the sky. And then how the rain outside has stopped, and then if I stay still and visualize all corners of the house I can focus on being. I’ll just drink another glass of water & do my routine again.
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