Category Archives: Blog

End of December 2021: Being

This picture is from a forest in Western Washington, east of Seattle. It is full of evergreen trees and ferns and mushrooms. I missed being there so much. I missed the way that the forest can make one feel so small…

End of the Month meets the End of the Year and it has definitely been a year. I have been exchanging remarks with friends and family and we seem to be in agreement; the year passed by unbelievably quick, but also unbearably slow. It was a year that didn’t happen, but it was a year that contained it all.

Not to be melodramatic, but I feel a sense of defeat at the end of this year. Personally, there are so many things happening in my life that I am excited about and very grateful for. But on a global scale and on a generational level, this year doesn’t feel like a victory, nor do I feel particularly excited about another year. I feel tired, but have I really done anything but live my little life? Not really. On one hand, I feel so spoiled. On another hand, I feel that our generation has earned the right to be discontent about whatever. I should probably stop writing in generalizations.

Just speaking for myself now: I think there is such value in slowing down with things and being present. I love a good dissociation session, but taking stock of the moment brings such a deep peace and an acknowledgment of how I feel in my own body. I don’t know. It’s hard to describe. But after living through so much, what can we do but just be? After the best of times or the worst of times… it’s back to being.

Thanks for reading this year and for being here. Thanks for indulging my wannabe blogger self. This personal journal/monthly update/vanity project has been a really nice way for me to process the passage of time. If you liked it, I will be even happier. And if you really liked it, you’ll be happy to know that we got picked up for another year of End of the Month baby!**

**by this I mean that WordPress automatically billed my credit card for another year

SHL ❤

End of November 2021: Negotiating

Negotiating. What an underrated gerund. We’re doing it every day: with loved ones, with strangers on the street, with ourselves. Some people may come to mind who you perceive to be really good at negotiating, but we’re all doing it. All the time. I found this month to be difficult in many ways. When it gets cold and dark and lonesome, it can feel tempting to idealize something else. Sometimes it’s hard to reason with ourselves. I love dissociating when things get difficult, but that’s not always healthy. In November, I found it useful to step back and look at things holistically—almost in an out-of-body way. Family and friends can also serve as great grounding forces.

Time keeps passing! It doesn’t always feel right. Thinking about how 2022 is around the corner is cause for alarm in many ways. The end of November is such a wake-up call to the passage of time and the torrential flow of the year.

I am thankful for many things: ways to keep me busy, delicious meals, the people I live with, reality shows, laughing with others, bits of candy, fizzy drinks, learning how to write, freedom to walk around the city, cold air in the morning, skincare, video games, my dog, desk ornaments, music that inspires me, the time to write this.

End of October 2021: Forecasting

Happy Halloween! I hope you are staying safe and enjoying the suspension of disbelief for a little while! I am in a coffee shop in Bowery dressed as Princess Mononoke, the titular character from Miyazaki’s 1997 film, Princess Mononoke. No one really gets this costume. hahaha

October has flown by and has felt like a breath of fresh air. I can’t pretend like the cold breezes and darker days don’t get to me, but the Fall weather has been mostly great thus far. And something about the sunlight on colder days makes one feel so alive.

I titled this month’s blog “Forecasting” because it seems like the time of year where we suddenly become aware of where we stand. This can encapsulate academic calendars, careers, love lives, friendships, and anything that takes time. I guess most all things take time. It’s tempting to put things on timelines because that’s how we operate; we want to know. But it’s also a good time to just let things be.

I hope you take some time to resist the urge to forecast everything. I know I want to. Things that are supposed to happen will surely happen. And the rest will evade history. Or something.

End of September 2021: Falling

Falling because it’s finally autumn, but beyond that, it’s a state of mind. Falling into routine. Falling into oneself again, now that the heat is dissipating. Falling into good books and talks with friends. Falling and picking yourself back up because that’s the kind of person you’ve become. Someone with grit and determination.

I watched the movie Her (2013) (yes, Joaquin Phoenix and his AI girlfriend) and loved it. I felt like it romanticized loneliness in a way that was honest and beautiful. I also love wearing the color red lately, so I couldn’t look away. It felt like the right film to watch in this season: a warm transition out of summer towards the acute isolation that the colder months can bring. The soundtrack is stunning and full of gorgeous piano. The whole time I was thinking of a line from Alex Dimitrov’s poem, “LSD,” that goes: part of me on a beach.

But it’s time to embrace those things that we couldn’t in the summer. Good fashion and hot drinks. Nights inside and allowing yourself to just be. Not feeling bad about not being anywhere. The weather can always be blamed.

I hope you are having a great fall season thus far. I hope it is a time to shed the old and become the new. I hope you watch something that you find truly beautiful. I hope that you listen to all your favorite music.

End of August 2021: Catching

“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

This is a late post for what feels like a late month. Everything about August feels a little delayed. We are all running a bit behind on our engagements. We are all a little less engaged.

So catching… Catching up? Catching sickness? Catching feelings? (One in the same?) I feel that something happens in the transition from August to September where I feel suddenly more grounded, for better or for worse. Maybe it’s the fact that my life until now has been a cycle of school; this is a return to the classroom. Or maybe it’s the first cold breeze at summer’s end which signals that autumn is knocking. Whatever the cause, it’s as if my feet are catching my weight again under me. I feel more willing, more forward-thinking, more striving.

But it is good to remember that we are still in no rush. We are entering the third act of this year, which just means that another one will follow. I mean, hopefully. You never really know these days.

Lay on the couch and refuse to get up. Then feel invigorated when you do. Allow yourself to get to that point of unbothered inactivity so that you can feel again what it’s like to have that mini revival. There’s nothing really wrong with not doing anything, but in that transfer of weight there is an opportunity for growth.

End of July 2021: Languishing

This is the seventh of these reflections, which feels like the right amount, I suppose. Using a lot of commas in this one; somehow it feels right for this time of year. The days are long and they drag on and on and slip into other days. The heat never really seems to leave, even when the temperature drops. You can smell rotting blackberries from almost anywhere.

Maybe that’s just me. And maybe that’s just the Northwest this time of year. I really do love the end of summer because it feels like something is on the horizon. We are kind of forced to transition as the weather turns. For now, we should just enjoy feeling stationary, though.

In this month, the colors of this blog are reminding me of pink lemonade. They finally seem fitting and intentional instead of just hopeful and optimistic.

Things will happen and there are things to look forward to. I hope you are staying cool and drinking good drinks and really making the most of it. And happy birthday Rebecca!

End of June 2021: Considering

The midway point of the year… baby do you feel it.

I hope it has been a formative month for you despite the stifling weather (for those of you who are experiencing it). I am finding it hard to move myself to do more than I have to do. But that is also okay and it can even be a good thing.

One would think that summer is a time of youthhood and freedom and letting go. I feel like that’s how pop culture sells it to us. But I think it’s more often a time of reminiscing and nostalgia and uncertainty. These emotions feel so contradictory to the weather, but they keep coming. It’s so easy to feel older than you did last summer. Does anyone else feel this?

To combat this, I think trying new things is great. It can be such a weird thrill to step outside of your comfort zone. I am finding myself meeting and being around more people than I have in the past year. It’s so energizing! And when I want to be alone, I just let myself be alone.

HAWS: Have A Wistful Summer 🙂

End of May 2021: Waiting

This month has been a long wait. Do you feel the same way? It’s been hard to exist between these oscillations of lethargy, excitement, longing. Sometimes it is easier to focus on small things. Here is a checklist for this month:

  • Play music out loud, loudly, to the disappointment of your roommates
  • Drink cold tea
  • Write something that is only meant for you
  • Sit outside and watch the transition from sunset to sun-having-set
  • Wear an outfit you have never worn before
  • Indulge in candy
  • Just don’t do it… put it off… sit and do nothing
  • Wear sunscreen
  • Take pointless pictures
  • Call someone instead of texting

I hope this list inspires something. It doesn’t have to be productive, which is something that I’m reminding myself of lately. A month can just be a month and nothing else.