Category Archives: Blog

End of November 2021: Negotiating

Negotiating. What an underrated gerund. We’re doing it every day: with loved ones, with strangers on the street, with ourselves. Some people may come to mind who you perceive to be really good at negotiating, but we’re all doing it. All the time. I found this month to be difficult in many ways. When it gets cold and dark and lonesome, it can feel tempting to idealize something else. Sometimes it’s hard to reason with ourselves. I love dissociating when things get difficult, but that’s not always healthy. In November, I found it useful to step back and look at things holistically—almost in an out-of-body way. Family and friends can also serve as great grounding forces.

Time keeps passing! It doesn’t always feel right. Thinking about how 2022 is around the corner is cause for alarm in many ways. The end of November is such a wake-up call to the passage of time and the torrential flow of the year.

I am thankful for many things: ways to keep me busy, delicious meals, the people I live with, reality shows, laughing with others, bits of candy, fizzy drinks, learning how to write, freedom to walk around the city, cold air in the morning, skincare, video games, my dog, desk ornaments, music that inspires me, the time to write this.

End of October 2021: Forecasting

Happy Halloween! I hope you are staying safe and enjoying the suspension of disbelief for a little while! I am in a coffee shop in Bowery dressed as Princess Mononoke, the titular character from Miyazaki’s 1997 film, Princess Mononoke. No one really gets this costume. hahaha

October has flown by and has felt like a breath of fresh air. I can’t pretend like the cold breezes and darker days don’t get to me, but the Fall weather has been mostly great thus far. And something about the sunlight on colder days makes one feel so alive.

I titled this month’s blog “Forecasting” because it seems like the time of year where we suddenly become aware of where we stand. This can encapsulate academic calendars, careers, love lives, friendships, and anything that takes time. I guess most all things take time. It’s tempting to put things on timelines because that’s how we operate; we want to know. But it’s also a good time to just let things be.

I hope you take some time to resist the urge to forecast everything. I know I want to. Things that are supposed to happen will surely happen. And the rest will evade history. Or something.

End of September 2021: Falling

Falling because it’s finally autumn, but beyond that, it’s a state of mind. Falling into routine. Falling into oneself again, now that the heat is dissipating. Falling into good books and talks with friends. Falling and picking yourself back up because that’s the kind of person you’ve become. Someone with grit and determination.

I watched the movie Her (2013) (yes, Joaquin Phoenix and his AI girlfriend) and loved it. I felt like it romanticized loneliness in a way that was honest and beautiful. I also love wearing the color red lately, so I couldn’t look away. It felt like the right film to watch in this season: a warm transition out of summer towards the acute isolation that the colder months can bring. The soundtrack is stunning and full of gorgeous piano. The whole time I was thinking of a line from Alex Dimitrov’s poem, “LSD,” that goes: part of me on a beach.

But it’s time to embrace those things that we couldn’t in the summer. Good fashion and hot drinks. Nights inside and allowing yourself to just be. Not feeling bad about not being anywhere. The weather can always be blamed.

I hope you are having a great fall season thus far. I hope it is a time to shed the old and become the new. I hope you watch something that you find truly beautiful. I hope that you listen to all your favorite music.

End of August 2021: Catching

“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

This is a late post for what feels like a late month. Everything about August feels a little delayed. We are all running a bit behind on our engagements. We are all a little less engaged.

So catching… Catching up? Catching sickness? Catching feelings? (One in the same?) I feel that something happens in the transition from August to September where I feel suddenly more grounded, for better or for worse. Maybe it’s the fact that my life until now has been a cycle of school; this is a return to the classroom. Or maybe it’s the first cold breeze at summer’s end which signals that autumn is knocking. Whatever the cause, it’s as if my feet are catching my weight again under me. I feel more willing, more forward-thinking, more striving.

But it is good to remember that we are still in no rush. We are entering the third act of this year, which just means that another one will follow. I mean, hopefully. You never really know these days.

Lay on the couch and refuse to get up. Then feel invigorated when you do. Allow yourself to get to that point of unbothered inactivity so that you can feel again what it’s like to have that mini revival. There’s nothing really wrong with not doing anything, but in that transfer of weight there is an opportunity for growth.

End of July 2021: Languishing

This is the seventh of these reflections, which feels like the right amount, I suppose. Using a lot of commas in this one; somehow it feels right for this time of year. The days are long and they drag on and on and slip into other days. The heat never really seems to leave, even when the temperature drops. You can smell rotting blackberries from almost anywhere.

Maybe that’s just me. And maybe that’s just the Northwest this time of year. I really do love the end of summer because it feels like something is on the horizon. We are kind of forced to transition as the weather turns. For now, we should just enjoy feeling stationary, though.

In this month, the colors of this blog are reminding me of pink lemonade. They finally seem fitting and intentional instead of just hopeful and optimistic.

Things will happen and there are things to look forward to. I hope you are staying cool and drinking good drinks and really making the most of it. And happy birthday Rebecca!

End of June 2021: Considering

The midway point of the year… baby do you feel it.

I hope it has been a formative month for you despite the stifling weather (for those of you who are experiencing it). I am finding it hard to move myself to do more than I have to do. But that is also okay and it can even be a good thing.

One would think that summer is a time of youthhood and freedom and letting go. I feel like that’s how pop culture sells it to us. But I think it’s more often a time of reminiscing and nostalgia and uncertainty. These emotions feel so contradictory to the weather, but they keep coming. It’s so easy to feel older than you did last summer. Does anyone else feel this?

To combat this, I think trying new things is great. It can be such a weird thrill to step outside of your comfort zone. I am finding myself meeting and being around more people than I have in the past year. It’s so energizing! And when I want to be alone, I just let myself be alone.

HAWS: Have A Wistful Summer 🙂

End of May 2021: Waiting

This month has been a long wait. Do you feel the same way? It’s been hard to exist between these oscillations of lethargy, excitement, longing. Sometimes it is easier to focus on small things. Here is a checklist for this month:

  • Play music out loud, loudly, to the disappointment of your roommates
  • Drink cold tea
  • Write something that is only meant for you
  • Sit outside and watch the transition from sunset to sun-having-set
  • Wear an outfit you have never worn before
  • Indulge in candy
  • Just don’t do it… put it off… sit and do nothing
  • Wear sunscreen
  • Take pointless pictures
  • Call someone instead of texting

I hope this list inspires something. It doesn’t have to be productive, which is something that I’m reminding myself of lately. A month can just be a month and nothing else.

End of April 2021: On Collapsing: Frank O’Hara and Lana Turner

I was reminded of this poem in Frank O’Hara’s Lunch Poems when I saw a man collapsed on the street the other day. It was at a distance and there were people surrounding him and aiding him. This poem is just called “Poem.”

POEM
by Frank O'Hara, 1962

Lana Turner has collapsed!
I was trotting along and suddenly
it started raining and snowing
and you said it was hailing
but hailing hits you on the head
hard so it was really snowing and
raining and I was in such a hurry
to meet you but the traffic
was acting exactly like the sky
and suddenly I see a headline
LANA TURNER HAS COLLAPSED!
there is no snow in Hollywood
there is no rain in California
I have been to lots of parties
and acted perfectly disgraceful
but I never actually collapsed
oh Lana Turner we love you get up

A few things were on my mind:

  • the lack of punctuation (only the exclamation points)
  • the eminence of the climate (the heat!)
  • the exasperation/vague hurry that Frank is always operating within
  • the sense of place: New York (but is it New York?)

The “get up” really does something genius for me. It feels so immediate, yet so casual. So urgent, yet there is no follow up. The poem feels like a single breath and this last line feels like a little exhale. It’s really so great.

This poem kind of gives me déjà vu in that it reminds me of just being alive. This is a good reminder for this time of year. It’s rainy. Time seems to spiral away from us and the days feel so heavy, yet so breathless. Do you know what I mean?