A futile attempt at cohesion… many rambles this month!
Happy end of November, which is often one of the hardest months (at least in my book). November feels like it’s for suffering; it has neither the intrigue of October, nor the celebratory nature of December. Maybe that’s just me. But I should also say that this doesn’t mean that November has to be a bad month! Mine was lovely. I think.
I chose to reflect on permanence this month for a few reasons. (1) Big life decisions often feel permanent and I feel like I am in a transitory period. (2) Something about winter also feels very permanent, as if all the trees, animals, and people are buckling down and hardening. Everyone knows that spring is coming, but for a span of time, there is a suspension of confidence that it will actually arrive. Like we are all holding our breaths. Do you relate? Winter feels infinite for a brief minute. (3) And I got a tattoo!
Even this personal-journal-blog feels permanent in a way. The internet is scary and I do not live in a European country that exercises the “right to be forgotten.” Oh well. It can be hard to cope with permanence sometimes, but I guess writing helps me deal with the passage of time. In a nihilistic way, there is nothing that really matters because nothing will really outlive us, I suppose. But I wouldn’t go so far as to say that nothing matters. In a truer sense, everything matters. Ok I’m going to move away from this topic actually.
I think the fear of permanence also has to do with external pressures. Perhaps it’s school, jobs, family, friends, etc. Pressure to make the right choice makes every choice seem more permanent. Idk. I am self-diagnosing here because I am a very indecisive person. I feel like a newborn deer most of the time, wobbling on my legs and seeing everything for the first time… but in a way that makes me oscillate between feeling overwhelmed and feeling full of awe at life. [I think I’m just describing anxiety lol.]
Ok maybe this post was a little too honest. I guess I am just trying to help us all be less anxious about the future, but I regret getting so empirical. Let’s all be hopeful, shall we? Life is sweet. I don’t know how to end this, so I’ll leave you with a poem by the late Bernadette Mayer.
End-of-Month | webzine and blog 