Tag Archives: Busy

End of August 2023: Engulfing

Or: being engulfed? Back to routine and the days are winding up again like a ball of yarn…

I hate that fatigue can sometimes feel satisfying, like a mark of productivity (the body keeps the score?). Sometimes I measure my self-worth with that feeling. I never know how much to buy into that. I think it might be useful to some extent. Like stress. But on another level… it is deeply sad. And it is not chic.

Time and tasks have been swallowing me up. I kind of love it; it’s been almost like a surrender to the rip current of everything that demands my attention. But then again, how could I not hate it?? There is no time for anything. There is only time for that for which there is time. Coming up for a breath like… taking a quiet beat to myself while spreading almond butter on a piece of bread. Or something like that.

End of July 2023: No More Time to Not Do Anything Anymore

Did you hear all the talk of aliens? I feel like one today, swimming in empty space. Last week, I was unmoored from something that gave me hope and stability and happiness. Sometimes life feels like a vacuum! But I took some time to think about it. I think a vacuum can stretch feelings and I know myself better in the end. One day of panic can lead to a week of self-assuredness. One day of bad luck can lead to a lifetime of gratefulness.

I am eating beans and rice and am looking out at a river. A different landscape from the image above, which is of the desert at Joshua Tree. It’s a lush summer here in Washington. It’s fig and blackberry and Italian soda season. It’s sunny and beautiful and I’m feeling melancholy for what promises to be my last Seattle summer for a while. I feel that I should keep this brief… the lake calls. Walking the new paved path by my house calls. Even rollerblading calls. Reading Maud Martha ever so slowly by the orange sunlight sneaking though the blinds in my room… still calls. Being behind on everything calls. Immense stillness calls.

Here’s a question: DOES ANYONE EVER KNOW WHAT THEY WANT? I don’t think I’ve ever had a satisfying answer to the question “what do you want?” I think I want everything and nothing. I think the answer changes minute by minute. And I am so selfish. The answer is usually “I want to feel like X” or “I want to stop feeling like this.” How easy things would be if I could control my feelings and emotions. For better or worse, they are like the weather: predictable to a certain degree, disruptive to a certain degree, sometimes exactly what I need. As Bernadette Mayer wrote, “nothing outside can cure you but everything’s outside.”

I’ve been leaning on friends lately. I am so grateful for you (you know who you are)! You make my life so much better and happier and fulfilling! I hope I do the same for you. I hope you enjoy summer. I hope you have time to feel good feelings! The bad ones will pass. At least, as far as we know, they always have!