Tag Archives: new year same me

New Year

 I am seeing you in the broth again: 
 the best days are rising to the top 
 like good fats and clear onions.
 I almost bring down my tongue
  
 to taste, but I know it will only burn
 and take a week to heal, feeling numb 
 like static when I count the backs of my teeth 
 walking outside, brisk and alone
  
 this month, staying present but losing
 myself to sleep at night listing 
 those things you might have
 given me— red stones, the number three,
  
 steering— and I feel like a tourist 
 in my own strange city, leaning over
 a handrail and falling into the tigers
 to take a photo. I'll risk it to feel
  
 a rush of something, but I am not waiting for fruition
 unless it proves that time is a chord across
 a circle, or that the half-life of missing you
 is tonight's long dinner, where I lift the bowl
  
 again to my mouth and drink half, then half,
 then half, so as not to run it dry but instead
 to forget hunger. I don't always remember. 
 Your house was full of those summer drafts.

start-of-the-year

“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

-Sylvia Plath, “Mad Girl’s Love Song”

I definitely feel some kind of relief, but I’m trying not to put too much pressure on 2021. Years are just numbers anyways. Who even says time has any authority? (Or is even real?) All I know is that something has shifted. It might not be what we think, but I’m glad for it.

So… what’s next? I think the past summer has trained me to go with the flow, which is a good thing overall. It was really great to not feel like I had to be or do anything in particular. But at the same time, I learned to expect less and feel less. I kinda miss manifesting and feeling those steep ups and downs. Though this past summer was not lacking in steep downs.

How are you? I’ve been eating a lot of sweets and I definitely feel the repercussions. I guess that’s what getting older is… which is more repercussions. More of your body reacting to things.

I’m excited to move to the city and relearn how to be myself. I miss being alone. It’s weird how cities make you feel more alone. And that feeling is so great sometimes.