Tag Archives: November

End of November 2022: Permanence

A futile attempt at cohesion… many rambles this month!

Happy end of November, which is often one of the hardest months (at least in my book). November feels like it’s for suffering; it has neither the intrigue of October, nor the celebratory nature of December. Maybe that’s just me. But I should also say that this doesn’t mean that November has to be a bad month! Mine was lovely. I think.

I chose to reflect on permanence this month for a few reasons. (1) Big life decisions often feel permanent and I feel like I am in a transitory period. (2) Something about winter also feels very permanent, as if all the trees, animals, and people are buckling down and hardening. Everyone knows that spring is coming, but for a span of time, there is a suspension of confidence that it will actually arrive. Like we are all holding our breaths. Do you relate? Winter feels infinite for a brief minute. (3) And I got a tattoo!

Even this personal-journal-blog feels permanent in a way. The internet is scary and I do not live in a European country that exercises the “right to be forgotten.” Oh well. It can be hard to cope with permanence sometimes, but I guess writing helps me deal with the passage of time. In a nihilistic way, there is nothing that really matters because nothing will really outlive us, I suppose. But I wouldn’t go so far as to say that nothing matters. In a truer sense, everything matters. Ok I’m going to move away from this topic actually.

I think the fear of permanence also has to do with external pressures. Perhaps it’s school, jobs, family, friends, etc. Pressure to make the right choice makes every choice seem more permanent. Idk. I am self-diagnosing here because I am a very indecisive person. I feel like a newborn deer most of the time, wobbling on my legs and seeing everything for the first time… but in a way that makes me oscillate between feeling overwhelmed and feeling full of awe at life. [I think I’m just describing anxiety lol.]

Ok maybe this post was a little too honest. I guess I am just trying to help us all be less anxious about the future, but I regret getting so empirical. Let’s all be hopeful, shall we? Life is sweet. I don’t know how to end this, so I’ll leave you with a poem by the late Bernadette Mayer.

Reverb

Everyone returns. Lately 

I cannot stay awake enough,

the coffee eats itself to bits,

I missed the blood moon

and blamed the weather. Turns out

I missed the rain too. No, 

it's true. I cannot keep my mind

from clouding up with knots,

vitamins, pine needles, 

and futurisms. A tough word,

futurisms. I don't mind. 

Nothing makes me more sure of time

than the solemn close of the year

for this is just for now. The sound:

an open window in the living room,

water running, another person,

a plane overhead, and then,

The Planets, by Holst, everyone 

trying again for a feeling. Oh

how the day feels slow

waiting for you, waiting for cold air.

Yes, I missed the cold air.

End of November 2021: Negotiating

Negotiating. What an underrated gerund. We’re doing it every day: with loved ones, with strangers on the street, with ourselves. Some people may come to mind who you perceive to be really good at negotiating, but we’re all doing it. All the time. I found this month to be difficult in many ways. When it gets cold and dark and lonesome, it can feel tempting to idealize something else. Sometimes it’s hard to reason with ourselves. I love dissociating when things get difficult, but that’s not always healthy. In November, I found it useful to step back and look at things holistically—almost in an out-of-body way. Family and friends can also serve as great grounding forces.

Time keeps passing! It doesn’t always feel right. Thinking about how 2022 is around the corner is cause for alarm in many ways. The end of November is such a wake-up call to the passage of time and the torrential flow of the year.

I am thankful for many things: ways to keep me busy, delicious meals, the people I live with, reality shows, laughing with others, bits of candy, fizzy drinks, learning how to write, freedom to walk around the city, cold air in the morning, skincare, video games, my dog, desk ornaments, music that inspires me, the time to write this.