Tag Archives: October 2023

End of October 2023: A Long Book of Poems About Everyone in My Life

I am writing this a few days early, listening to a playlist that Spotify created for me: “unhappy heartbroken saturday afternoon.” Am I offended by that? Maybe. If I think too much, maybe it becomes true. My inner monologue has been a little tumultuous lately as I reevaluate some of my priorities. But today I’m really enjoying my own company. I find myself in awe of my own contentedness and my dedication to myself. My heart is full.

I’ve been occupying my time with meditative activities this month. Practicing mindfulness, crocheting, reading, walking. Movies! I love them so much. It’s so wonderful. Sometimes I need to distract myself from things that are making me sad or anxious. Other times it’s just nice to have routine in my life. These activities have been lulling me into autumn this year. The sun in Southern California has been doing that too. Crazy how you can feel one way, then sit outside for twenty minutes and feel another way. Crazy how watching Kill Bill on my laptop can cure most of what ails me. The sweater I am slowly crocheting is coming together.

At the end of this month, I have been thinking about self-worth and how I spend my time. I want to get back to the things that make me happy and make me like myself more (see The Smiths). I think it can be hard to stay away from things that make me dislike myself, but a bigger picture perspective can often remedy that feeling for me. Lately, I feel so lucky to have the capacity for romance in my life (by romance, I mean in the sense of feeling excitement and wonder in daily life). Beauty, the arts, profound wisdom. Anything beyond survival is superfluous, really. But I am so grateful that those things feel necessary to me and my own personal sense of fulfilment.

I would also like to take myself less seriously and lighten up. Life is just life! I get so concerned with the rules and expectations that I set for myself (or that others set for me). Sometimes, I would just like to do what I want to do and be free from outside influence. If only I didn’t care what other people think so much! I think I put too much weight on the advice and criticism of others. If I took most of that as optional, I think I could let go of a lot of what holds me back.

But I love and appreciate most everyone in my life. People are so amazing. I want to write a long book of poems about that. And I will one day! That means that even when it feels like there is nothing to look forward to. There is.

Direct Address

I take every thought of you to the very end
like a train, or a space shuttle, idle
and warming the dark side of a planet, a phone book
under my feet and a cold pulse against my sore arm, today
I understood how sadness can be called a "gulf";
how karaoke may be the closest I come to another me;
how to peer off the cliff of my mind; how to devour books on the floor; 
how Juliet and Romeo should have really talked it out;
how every person makes every other person disappear;
how the coldest stars in space glow red, red, red; how
post offices are either closed or too crowded; how I can handle everything
but I am good at nothing; how I love outer space and the seafloor
and never want to be scared of you; the ocean stirring itself forever;
I take every thought of you to the very end.