When I brush my teeth I think about dying
and how the seafloor's dissolving
and how it rains a blanket
so we stay inside, my posture
as bad as a gallon of water.
Dad voiced a half-thought
It is good to wake up—
He thought of the lake, saw the news
and stopped. The year so far
is taro chips, movies,
"The Leanover,"
and accepting at last
that I am not a good reader. No, I am
not ready to enter the world again.
Will a good jacket cure me?
A phone call for once?
A frozen swim? Will the fish in the trenches
know I am better? I'm relentless,
the shaker, moving the clock,
all to say
at the end
that I loved it.
Tag Archives: resolutions
End of December 2022: Time and Time Again
It’s the last day of the year and time has never felt more vivid. Happy New Year’s Eve!
How was this year for you? Some have said that 2022 has felt like a continuation of 2020 (AKA the Lost Year, AKA a year that didn’t happen). I don’t think this sentiment rings true for me, though the pandemic and its effects are still widely felt. I’ve found that the people around me have had a renewed commitment to living a certain way this past year. I’m not really sure how to describe it more precisely, but there is a different energy. [I am trying not to use the words “vibe” or “vibes” but it turns out that this is very hard?]
I time-travelled recently when I was traveling home from a trip. I left Singapore at 8:00 AM local time and arrived in Seattle at 8:30 PM local time in the same day, but had travelled for 31 hours in between. OK, maybe time zones don’t count as time travel. But I was contemplating the year during those hours spent in limbo between time zones. I felt time stretching around me while the hours were simultaneously condensing. Though I guess I was so tired I would have believed a lot of things.
Yesterday, I ate breakfast with Anne, one of my oldest and best friends, and we talked about resolutions. They are so hard to set and keep for some reason! I think there is some science about why they do not work. But there is definitely still value to goal-setting. At this point in life I am still just trying to figure out how to do it better. So no resolutions to write about at the moment. Sorry.
Tangential sidenote: Something else that makes me very aware of the passage of time is the Vanity Fair Billie Eilish interview that comes out every year. Change probably just feels more palpable for young people, especially for someone who is in the spotlight and thus feels pressure to keep reinventing. I love reflecting (hence this entire blog) but I don’t necessarily like reliving the past. Nor do I like watching videos of myself or hearing my own voice. But that’s probably a different thing.
I wish everyone reading this a great 2023! I have a feeling it will be a great year with many challenges and new revelations. This blog will be continuing into the new year (because I forgot to turn off auto-renew for WordPress yet again) so stay tuned. Or don’t! Change your whole life! Or don’t 🙂
start-of-the-year
“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
-Sylvia Plath, “Mad Girl’s Love Song”
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”
I definitely feel some kind of relief, but I’m trying not to put too much pressure on 2021. Years are just numbers anyways. Who even says time has any authority? (Or is even real?) All I know is that something has shifted. It might not be what we think, but I’m glad for it.
So… what’s next? I think the past summer has trained me to go with the flow, which is a good thing overall. It was really great to not feel like I had to be or do anything in particular. But at the same time, I learned to expect less and feel less. I kinda miss manifesting and feeling those steep ups and downs. Though this past summer was not lacking in steep downs.
How are you? I’ve been eating a lot of sweets and I definitely feel the repercussions. I guess that’s what getting older is… which is more repercussions. More of your body reacting to things.
I’m excited to move to the city and relearn how to be myself. I miss being alone. It’s weird how cities make you feel more alone. And that feeling is so great sometimes.
End-of-Month | webzine and blog 