(May + June 2025) Cruel Summer

July and August Again

End of June 2024: Addition

End of June 2023: Searching

Lately the days move quickly. I lose sleep. I lose appetite. I lose myself in work and thoughts of the next day. The next hour. Do you ever succumb to phases of life such as these? When your nose is stuck in the book of your life and you suddenly remember that you are in fact reading and not living?

I wonder when the “next” will happen. I wonder when I will arrive there. I wonder when summer will feel like summer.

I sometimes bother myself with what ifs. And maybe it’s true that there are better outcomes that are within my control. But maybe there is nothing else to do. Maybe in a different universe we are doing the exact same thing. Maybe we are swimming in the ether. Maybe were are on two parallel lines.

End of June 2021: Considering

The midway point of the year… baby do you feel it.

I hope it has been a formative month for you despite the stifling weather (for those of you who are experiencing it). I am finding it hard to move myself to do more than I have to do. But that is also okay and it can even be a good thing.

One would think that summer is a time of youthhood and freedom and letting go. I feel like that’s how pop culture sells it to us. But I think it’s more often a time of reminiscing and nostalgia and uncertainty. These emotions feel so contradictory to the weather, but they keep coming. It’s so easy to feel older than you did last summer. Does anyone else feel this?

To combat this, I think trying new things is great. It can be such a weird thrill to step outside of your comfort zone. I am finding myself meeting and being around more people than I have in the past year. It’s so energizing! And when I want to be alone, I just let myself be alone.

HAWS: Have A Wistful Summer 🙂

44 Gardens

 #1 is a bush by the sea
 and a seabird nesting within.
 Anything can be a garden.
  
 #2 is a topiary: my mother
 near tears after buying the wrong wooden planks
 for the vegetable box last summer.
 They aren't as tall as I thought, she says
 but pushes on, piercing bags of soil
 with her spade to overflow the box
 because she is too determined and that will be her downfall.
  
 #3 sits by the window with the most sun.
 We moved our fig tree inside once we noticed
 how the deer loved those fragrant leaves. And now
 the figs are finally coming in, but we miss the deer.
  
 #4 people call Oriental
 when they feel threatened by its perfect shapes
 and perfect control. This garden is a popular choice
 for photoshoots and old couples craving a bench. I'll admit
 to taking a photo near its magnificent red gate,
 wondering who built it 
 and what they looked like.
  
 #5 is not picturesque, but it thrives.
 Grandma scavenged her garden together
 and secured it with chicken wire and zip ties. A sole pumpkin grows hanging: regal and perfect.
  
 #6 smells like death and our dog knows this too. 
 On mornings when the grass is wet, I catch him digging up the compost
 because he is not afraid of me. I saw him once emerge
 with an unbroken eggshell between his jaw.
  
 #7 is a hackjob on the side of the road. The berries
 are too sweet and too polluted to eat. I recall that my grandparents
 sold berries roadside to survive. Once we made cobbler.
  
 #8 was beautiful and belonged to an old couple.
 I was called there as a Census worker and they did not speak English.
 I remember they were drying seaweed on boards in the driveway 
 next to pots of huge beefsteak tomatoes. As I left, 
 some of the seaweed was carried away by the wind 
 and I didn't want them to think it was me.
  
 #9 I saw on a rooftop in the city and the first word
 that came to my mind was oasis. I felt bad
 but that was winter anyways.
  
 #10 was three boxes on a steep hill behind Grandma's old house.
 From the upper window, the reek of grandpa's cigarettes
 settled on purple beans, later to be mixed into rice,
 later to be eaten by Grandpa. The same fumes cycled back
 through his system until they wanted out.
  
 #11 happened because I wanted my own snap peas.
 The vines gripped the trellis like baby hands, so quickly.
  
 #12-#28 burned down in a fire, unseen on TV.
  
 #29-#44 are still lost in the smoke.