Tag Archives: winter

(Nov. 2025) One Take with No Aspirations

An image of a journal page with text written in blue ink
A white journal page with a journal entry written in blue ink. A drawing of a stick figure cartoon with a dress and spiky hair.

11.24.25 For once the evening feels like a void. I yearned all day for rest and then did not enjoy it. Feel like I have a lot to say if someone would just ask. But then when I approach the thoughts I don’t see anything.

Hm. I was on the internet way too much today because I saw a video of a guy playing beats with sticks in the woods & the caption said “There will still be raves in the apocalypse.” And I felt nothing about that. I felt virtually nothing about anything today and now it’s a big deal. I even felt nothing about all of the effort in my life that I feel is not reciprocated. No aspirations and No scale for justice.

So I wrote the beginning of a poem about WWE in my notes and then read it back but it wasn’t good. Of course it wasn’t. Well, it was supposed to say something about melodrama and spectacle and mundane life. I think it was pretty bad. And I wrote it while I was driving in my notes app that’s on me. And I think lately I just complain & that’s kind of my life. Wish I was complaining less (but there I go again).

Finally I was looking at another internet post about that short story about the two headed calf seeing the stars and it made me very emotional. I realized I had been lying in bed for hours and my feet were still ice cold. And I didn’t really know why I felt so dissatisfied there. ennui from having too much time & thoughts. By that I mean 3 extra hours on a Monday.

I looked up from the bed and saw “Walking With Birds” which is an art piece that has followed me around from home to home, and I remember it from my earliest bedroom memories. It was a person who looks like this:

which is actually a really accurate drawing. And I realized that they have tulips on their dress and there are tulips in the background of the art. And of the birds, the two chicks are walking in front of the mom. Sorry. Could be a dad. Or a random cousin. Then, I thought about tattooing Walking With Birds on my arm and maybe felt that was insane. That had never occurred to me before, to have something mean something like that. It makes me want to cry looking at it. The birds. I think I can just trail off and notice a dozen things I didn’t before. The transparent leaves, The translucent clouds. The other flock of birds, red in the sky. And then how the rain outside has stopped, and then if I stay still and visualize all corners of the house I can focus on being. I’ll just drink another glass of water & do my routine again.

(Mar. 2025) Sweepstakes

Posting a day late for April Fools probably! Taking the day to do some semi-serious reflection.

March was extremely fun and mentally tumultuous. I had a wonderful and tiring trip to New York City. I juggled responsibility and intentional rest. I cut my hair and started taking care of my perm. I made some great salads. I tried to write more and succeeded a tiny bit.

I entered a sweepstakes giveaway from Sumo Oranges, and now I get emails from Sumo Oranges all the time in my inbox. It’s kind of funny to me to get emails from oranges, so I stay subscribed to them.

I started watching Breaking Bad lol! Except when Jesse is on screen I can only hear Todd from Bojack Horseman. It’s nice to watch an older popular show with lots of existing online discourse. But one thing about me is that I am terrible at committing to finishing TV shows. I hope I can see this through. (Except Survivor, which I will watch every week.) The media diet has been a bit uninspired. I’ve been playing tons of League of Legends instead of watching anything. Hm.

When I feel overwhelmed I focus on sorting my days into one-coffee days and two-coffee days. Today feels like a two coffee day. Decaffeinated green tea has also been good. I remember when I used to have four-coffee days in college. Probably not necessary in retrospect. Praying for lots of one-coffee days for us next month. Unless you want more! Have some more!

(Feb. 2025) Mixing Bowl

(I) I like watching people reconnect in public. I just saw two dudes go in for an awkward hug. Now one of them is using his hands too much and the other one is toying with his rings behind his back. Behind them there is a posh dog of an unidentifiable breed. The dog has squat legs and a stubby tail. Behind them is a girl with legwarmers apologizing to her friend for being an hour late. It’s sunny outside and I’m having a cappuccino.

But what else? Eggs are so expensive now. I acquired a nice loaf of crusty bread to make toast with. I might splurge and have an egg with it. I’m eating a great salad very messily. My parking meter is probably almost out, but Silver Lake is nice on this late winter day.

It’s the big mixing bowl says E. She means to say “melting pot,” but I hold on to the idea. I don’t know about America, but the universe itself is probably a big bowl. Or like, a rock tumbler full of sludge. Or a glass of water. Did you see that the 2024 YR Asteroid is now very unlikely to hit us?

(II) Now I am at a public library in Orange County. There is lots of natural light coming through the windows, but the day still passes slowly in here. I love a table with multiple strangers. I love that libraries have their own magazine subscriptions. I sifted through the secondhand book stands and got a Debussy cd and a Natalie Imbruglia cd. I saw high schoolers with cute keychains on their bags and started to need a walk in the sun.

Now “Torn” is stuck in my head and I’m almost out of iced tea. The leaves twitch on the trees outside. I feel sleepy and alone. I think about the unanswered (but much appreciated) letters on my desk. I think about how I have thousands of photos in the “cloud” somewhere that I probably will never look at again. I think about humor, and how it’s never really the same twice. I think about how all I really want to do with my life right now is make lists of things. Now the sun is going down and the lights inside feel brighter and the ice has melted in my tea and a man picks up a magazine off the shelf, and he’s nodding and reading it cover to cover.

(Jan. 2025) Another Orange

Another orange? says a classmate as I roll a satsuma between my palms. Um yeah. Citrus is delicious in the winter time and everyone is getting ill. I don’t quite know what she means by that question but I dig in my nail and see a little cloud of orange oil float away. I’m learning about taxes and the room smells sweet.

So it’s February and it’s time to become new. It’s time to cull away bad habits. It’s the beginning of the year, but the year is cold and there is no sun. The sun is on earth and everything burns.

I am practicing talking by trying to make friends with two people whom I see regularly at school. One is the crossing guard at the busy intersection. One is the nighttime security guard. They both smile at me and we chat. I don’t know why I’m always nervous. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to focus these days. I try to just leave a good impression and keep moving on with the day. And then walking to my car I notice my foot hurts and so I focus on that instead.

I’ll miss you, P mumbles in half-sleep as I get up in the middle of the night. I think a lot about that, and I think about sweetness and levity in the winter. Lately I feel seen in the way that people who build computers assemble those transparent computers. (Bad simile?) It’s nice to be paid attention to. It’s life-affirming to have energy reciprocated. I’m still whirring and exhaling but maybe some people can see where the air comes from.

I was writing this during my office hours as a TA for a writing class. I had a good idea for this blog post when one of my students came to ask a question. I can’t resent them for that; that’s why I was sitting there. But now I can’t remember it and I’m weighing that against the thought that I sometimes feel like writing is the only reason not to cryogenically freeze myself into the future.

We’ll see, I say about a hundred times a day in every conversation. I think I’m passively obsessed with the future because it is so unknown. And I take refuge in that, as opposed to the past, which is not only known, but also potentially terrible–at least when I lie awake in bed because the Trader Joe’s melatonin is too weak. But. The future can only be reassuring if I’m relatively certain I’ll get there. That enough is reason to be optimistic. So I’m sending out this prayer for the new year. I’ll imagine the world is an orange and it is sweet in the winter.

End of November 2024: Adoring

How is December treating you so far? I walked to the store and enjoyed the white winter sun in Los Angeles. I bought raw marinated crab, leafy vegetables, and a handful of chestnuts to roast later.

I am doing laundry and remembering what it means to be a person during the winter. I am also struggling with my interior life. I don’t quite know how to sit with it. (I wish I could be the perfect amount of busy for the rest of my life.)

It’s finals season, but I can only think about writing and creating. I made a crochet tapestry that says “MORE ZINES!! MORE LIFE!!” Life is too short to resist pursuing slivers of universal truth in the form of art. But then again. Life is too short to not be grateful for what we are already doing. Can’t both things be true? Change your life. Or don’t! Roast your chestnuts and do your laundry. Write your new manifesto. Do what you can, then do what you want. Then do what you can again.

End of February 2024: Leaping!

I didn’t realize it was a leap year until it was upon us. I guess a typical year is six hours longer than our calendar year, causing us to make up for the deficit once every four years. (Or are we preemptively getting ahead?)

February has been a hard month for me. Year after year it feels like one of the hardest, which is strange because it is so short. I have been trying to create and write more, but sometimes it feels like clawing at frozen earth. It’s tough right now; the waves of the weeks are just rolling over me. Trying to come back to myself! Whoever she may be.

Side note: It’s so affirming to receive an indication that you’re acting normal! And that you are a person whom other people want to talk to! Sorry, this is kind of sad actually. And I’ll just speak for myself! But I get really in my head these days. When I was younger I used to despise normalcy. Now, I think it can be so reassuring to be normal. To find someone normal. Hm. Is this what it means to grow up? To change your norms?

How are you, friend? How have you been spending your time? Was it a fruitful month for you? I’ll spend my extra day feeling fortunate for everything and everyone in my life—not because I am making up for something, or because I am trying to pay my karmic debt in advance. Because you all deserve it!

End of January 2024: Perfecting

Hello if you’re back! I just can’t really bring myself to delete this website haha.

So I think winter causes us to turn inwards sometimes. We examine ourselves because it is too cold outside. Or there is something about the season that makes us evaluate our own sturdiness. But maybe I am projecting my own feelings onto the season.

Lately I’ve been searching myself and trying to smooth out the corners. Sometimes it feels like ironing out the edges. Sometimes it feels like steamrolling the center of things. I tried to set resolutions this year, but didn’t successfully set any at the top of the month. I always get reflective around this time of year, which makes more sense than the start of January anyways. The end of December is for acceptance and celebration. The end of January is about looking forward and seeing what sticks. 

Here is a list of a few things that have been making me happy lately:

- Sweaters
- Wide noodles
- Movies, of course
- Strangely: being busy
- My new zine
- Listening to a full album of music
- Leather jackets
- Sunlight
- Audiobooks

End of 2023: Bookshelf of Hours

Happy end of the year! I hope you found 2023 fruitful and fun. It was an interesting year that left me optimistic for 2024.

I think I had a good year! It flew by. It was kind of a year of putting my head down and working hard on the tasks in front of me. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose! All work and no play doesn’t make me a dull boy. But also: there was play! Some days, I felt so so lucky. Lots of great adventures and some very fun hours. Lots to be found in the small spaces of the weeks and days. Lots of unexpected laughs! And little life-affirming conversations and interactions. My interior life was fulfilling and lovely.

Do you have goals for 2024? I haven’t really thought about resolutions this year. I think they come to me over the course of January. Some years I need a fresh start more than others. Like many, I wonder if a new routine can heal me. Probably?! Like everything, that remains to be seen.

I am excited to write more in 2024. Rereading some of my old work has inspired me to reach back into that corner of my brain. 2023 left me feeling stuck in one style of poem. I wrote this while looking at the ocean:

I shelved a version
and took out another:
the book of _____ 
on the shelf of _____.

I am looking forward to 2024 and feel good about it! Staying optimistic at this juncture. (Maybe, for once, I am looking forward more than I am looking back and reflecting.) I hope you have a nice new year! May 2024 be filled with good luck for all of us!