Sophie Lee

End of February 2022: Having

Happy end of February, which always seems to sneak up on me. It’s not much shorter than other months, yet it seems like the month has barely happened at all. Whether it was a good month or a bad month for you, congratulations on making it through!

This seems like a good time of year to take a step back and evaluate things. I am always trying to be conscious of my relationship to material wealth and possessions, hence the name of this month’s post. It’s a hobby of mine to browse things for sale, especially when walking around and gazing at stores and objects. On one day this month, I walked around downtown for hours and dipped into many stores, but ended up just getting myself a cappuccino at the end. In a weird way, I feel like I’ve been trained to expect a payoff at the end of all of that, which is maybe why I bought a coffee. However, I’ve learned that pretty much anything can become ritualized and pleasurable.

On other days, I will really splurge. Of course, I am very fortunate to be able to do that. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, and oftentimes I think that guilt is productive. But other times, I don’t think I should feel guilty about it. It makes me happy to work hard and then buy something nice. The phrase/concept of “treat yourself” is sometimes exactly what I want to do. But sometimes the phrase feels reductive. I think it can imply impulsivity and thoughtlessness when the decision to buy something was very intentional in actuality.

Well, in the end, I am flawed and should buy fewer things. The best thing to do is probably to buy much less. Environmentally, definitely. But in the sense of endlessly saving money, I buy the argument much less. I definitely believe in saving money and personal stability (a different definition for everyone), but I don’t believe in the sacredness of money over life. I don’t believe in saving everything forever for the sake of it… and maybe this is edging on nihilistic so I’ll cut it off here!

Anyways, I wish you a wonderful month of thoughtfulness and romanticizing your current and future possessions. I hope you find yourself in the possession of some unexpected free time. When that happens, have something delicious! Go on walks! (To quote Whitman:) Unscrew the locks from their doors! Unscrew the doors themselves from their jambs! ~ Enjoy!

End of January 2022: Biting

Happy 2022! We’re starting things off with a strange gerund. Biting is an act, but it is also a descriptor. The biting cold, for example. (I rediscovered, as I do almost every winter, that the cold does bite. In some instances though, it can be so lovely.) Biting is a harsh word, as new years often are. It’s also an active word, akin to seizing or opportunizing. It feels correct for this month: at once brutal and accurate.

I love using months as markers of the passage of time. They can feel so long, but so short. They can swallow you whole, or they can pass you by. I looked back at this month and realized I experienced such a wide range of emotions in a matter of a few weeks. Months are so captivating in that way. I was so sad and then so okay. Still sad, but still okay. I laughed a lot despite it all.

Some songs of various genres as we go into the next month: Direct Address by Lucy Dacus, Dead of Night by Orville Peck, Cool by Gwen Stefani, and the cover of Rainbow Connection by Hayley Williams (the best) and Weezer (the worst). May these songs inspire you. May the arbitrary designation of a month inspire you.

January

I am not vicious
I love to stare
when light hits the room across the street 
as if by an alien sun.
I like to think those people get the kind of sleep I crave 
as I move my pothos to the floor
or back to the sill. 
I hope for peace 
and finally heat 
but time hasn't yet come 
for me: thoughts fall like marbles 
and dry hands press air,
It is still only winter
and we wait in our corners,
I am a cold planet 
pruning and crying,
killing and dying.

End of December 2021: Being

This picture is from a forest in Western Washington, east of Seattle. It is full of evergreen trees and ferns and mushrooms. I missed being there so much. I missed the way that the forest can make one feel so small…

End of the Month meets the End of the Year and it has definitely been a year. I have been exchanging remarks with friends and family and we seem to be in agreement; the year passed by unbelievably quick, but also unbearably slow. It was a year that didn’t happen, but it was a year that contained it all.

Not to be melodramatic, but I feel a sense of defeat at the end of this year. Personally, there are so many things happening in my life that I am excited about and very grateful for. But on a global scale and on a generational level, this year doesn’t feel like a victory, nor do I feel particularly excited about another year. I feel tired, but have I really done anything but live my little life? Not really. On one hand, I feel so spoiled. On another hand, I feel that our generation has earned the right to be discontent about whatever. I should probably stop writing in generalizations.

Just speaking for myself now: I think there is such value in slowing down with things and being present. I love a good dissociation session, but taking stock of the moment brings such a deep peace and an acknowledgment of how I feel in my own body. I don’t know. It’s hard to describe. But after living through so much, what can we do but just be? After the best of times or the worst of times… it’s back to being.

Thanks for reading this year and for being here. Thanks for indulging my wannabe blogger self. This personal journal/monthly update/vanity project has been a really nice way for me to process the passage of time. If you liked it, I will be even happier. And if you really liked it, you’ll be happy to know that we got picked up for another year of End of the Month baby!**

**by this I mean that WordPress automatically billed my credit card for another year

SHL ❤

End of November 2021: Negotiating

Negotiating. What an underrated gerund. We’re doing it every day: with loved ones, with strangers on the street, with ourselves. Some people may come to mind who you perceive to be really good at negotiating, but we’re all doing it. All the time. I found this month to be difficult in many ways. When it gets cold and dark and lonesome, it can feel tempting to idealize something else. Sometimes it’s hard to reason with ourselves. I love dissociating when things get difficult, but that’s not always healthy. In November, I found it useful to step back and look at things holistically—almost in an out-of-body way. Family and friends can also serve as great grounding forces.

Time keeps passing! It doesn’t always feel right. Thinking about how 2022 is around the corner is cause for alarm in many ways. The end of November is such a wake-up call to the passage of time and the torrential flow of the year.

I am thankful for many things: ways to keep me busy, delicious meals, the people I live with, reality shows, laughing with others, bits of candy, fizzy drinks, learning how to write, freedom to walk around the city, cold air in the morning, skincare, video games, my dog, desk ornaments, music that inspires me, the time to write this.

End of October 2021: Forecasting

Happy Halloween! I hope you are staying safe and enjoying the suspension of disbelief for a little while! I am in a coffee shop in Bowery dressed as Princess Mononoke, the titular character from Miyazaki’s 1997 film, Princess Mononoke. No one really gets this costume. hahaha

October has flown by and has felt like a breath of fresh air. I can’t pretend like the cold breezes and darker days don’t get to me, but the Fall weather has been mostly great thus far. And something about the sunlight on colder days makes one feel so alive.

I titled this month’s blog “Forecasting” because it seems like the time of year where we suddenly become aware of where we stand. This can encapsulate academic calendars, careers, love lives, friendships, and anything that takes time. I guess most all things take time. It’s tempting to put things on timelines because that’s how we operate; we want to know. But it’s also a good time to just let things be.

I hope you take some time to resist the urge to forecast everything. I know I want to. Things that are supposed to happen will surely happen. And the rest will evade history. Or something.

End of September 2021: Falling

Falling because it’s finally autumn, but beyond that, it’s a state of mind. Falling into routine. Falling into oneself again, now that the heat is dissipating. Falling into good books and talks with friends. Falling and picking yourself back up because that’s the kind of person you’ve become. Someone with grit and determination.

I watched the movie Her (2013) (yes, Joaquin Phoenix and his AI girlfriend) and loved it. I felt like it romanticized loneliness in a way that was honest and beautiful. I also love wearing the color red lately, so I couldn’t look away. It felt like the right film to watch in this season: a warm transition out of summer towards the acute isolation that the colder months can bring. The soundtrack is stunning and full of gorgeous piano. The whole time I was thinking of a line from Alex Dimitrov’s poem, “LSD,” that goes: part of me on a beach.

But it’s time to embrace those things that we couldn’t in the summer. Good fashion and hot drinks. Nights inside and allowing yourself to just be. Not feeling bad about not being anywhere. The weather can always be blamed.

I hope you are having a great fall season thus far. I hope it is a time to shed the old and become the new. I hope you watch something that you find truly beautiful. I hope that you listen to all your favorite music.

End of August 2021: Catching

“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

This is a late post for what feels like a late month. Everything about August feels a little delayed. We are all running a bit behind on our engagements. We are all a little less engaged.

So catching… Catching up? Catching sickness? Catching feelings? (One in the same?) I feel that something happens in the transition from August to September where I feel suddenly more grounded, for better or for worse. Maybe it’s the fact that my life until now has been a cycle of school; this is a return to the classroom. Or maybe it’s the first cold breeze at summer’s end which signals that autumn is knocking. Whatever the cause, it’s as if my feet are catching my weight again under me. I feel more willing, more forward-thinking, more striving.

But it is good to remember that we are still in no rush. We are entering the third act of this year, which just means that another one will follow. I mean, hopefully. You never really know these days.

Lay on the couch and refuse to get up. Then feel invigorated when you do. Allow yourself to get to that point of unbothered inactivity so that you can feel again what it’s like to have that mini revival. There’s nothing really wrong with not doing anything, but in that transfer of weight there is an opportunity for growth.