Category Archives: Blog

End of June 2022: End-of-the-Day

Can you believe it’s the end of June?

Lately, I’ve been enjoying the little respite that the end of the day provides. Maybe it’s the few hours to oneself before sleeping or going back to work or getting together with friends. Maybe it’s something about the sun setting in its very pronounced, very dramatic way. Maybe it’s the fatigue and the feelings of accomplishment or excitement for tomorrow.

I love the automatic framework that months provide in order to understand the passage of time. But I also love the subdivision into days, even the hours and minutes. It can be overwhelming, but it can also be very comforting to have such a constant.

I just finished a zine called “Time Passes,” named after the middle section of To the Lighthouse, of course. I sent it to the printer and I can’t wait to share it. I love creation. I love the hours and days.

End of May 2022: Leaving

Cover image by Amelia Fay

Leaving is hard. It is so hard to close chapters of one’s life, whether they last for a long time or for short periods of time. I often need time to process the big changes of life. The more profound lessons and realizations may not come until much, much later. Years, even.

I hope you are finding closure as the various doors of your life may be closing. I hope new doors open and the fresh air comes in. I hope all is well.

I feel very grateful for so many people in my life and I think I am going to find more ways to act on that feeling. Sending letters, giving them a call, etc.

At the end of the day, maybe loss is not as drastic as it seems. Or maybe it is exactly what you need. Or perhaps it is one of those phenomena of life that evades all explanation but asks only for acceptance.

End of March 2022: Staying

I cannot believe it is the end of March already. In New York City it is still cold and wet and not as sunny as we would like. March has come in like a lamb and out like a lion this year.

I chose the word Staying for this month because it’s a word that implies a lack of movement and stability. Staying in one place. Staying still. But in another sense, the word also involves a choice. To stay or to go. It can also mean “to put off” in the sense of staying off my hunger. On its face, it is a very simple word, but it is very complex.

This feels like the point in the year where many choices must be made. I am a very indecisive person, so this is very intimidating. But overall, I know that I can trust my judgment. Everyone has to make big choices and life can unfold in so many ways. Very few things are definite. And many, many life paths can be fruitful! At least this is what I tell myself.

The road branches off in front of us and creates an infinite number of possibilities and worlds. It would be such a waste of possibility if there was only one correct path for each of us. Surely, there are many. Take to the road! Stay warm! Tip your baristas! Remember your hat and gloves!

End of February 2022: Having

Happy end of February, which always seems to sneak up on me. It’s not much shorter than other months, yet it seems like the month has barely happened at all. Whether it was a good month or a bad month for you, congratulations on making it through!

This seems like a good time of year to take a step back and evaluate things. I am always trying to be conscious of my relationship to material wealth and possessions, hence the name of this month’s post. It’s a hobby of mine to browse things for sale, especially when walking around and gazing at stores and objects. On one day this month, I walked around downtown for hours and dipped into many stores, but ended up just getting myself a cappuccino at the end. In a weird way, I feel like I’ve been trained to expect a payoff at the end of all of that, which is maybe why I bought a coffee. However, I’ve learned that pretty much anything can become ritualized and pleasurable.

On other days, I will really splurge. Of course, I am very fortunate to be able to do that. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, and oftentimes I think that guilt is productive. But other times, I don’t think I should feel guilty about it. It makes me happy to work hard and then buy something nice. The phrase/concept of “treat yourself” is sometimes exactly what I want to do. But sometimes the phrase feels reductive. I think it can imply impulsivity and thoughtlessness when the decision to buy something was very intentional in actuality.

Well, in the end, I am flawed and should buy fewer things. The best thing to do is probably to buy much less. Environmentally, definitely. But in the sense of endlessly saving money, I buy the argument much less. I definitely believe in saving money and personal stability (a different definition for everyone), but I don’t believe in the sacredness of money over life. I don’t believe in saving everything forever for the sake of it… and maybe this is edging on nihilistic so I’ll cut it off here!

Anyways, I wish you a wonderful month of thoughtfulness and romanticizing your current and future possessions. I hope you find yourself in the possession of some unexpected free time. When that happens, have something delicious! Go on walks! (To quote Whitman:) Unscrew the locks from their doors! Unscrew the doors themselves from their jambs! ~ Enjoy!

End of January 2022: Biting

Happy 2022! We’re starting things off with a strange gerund. Biting is an act, but it is also a descriptor. The biting cold, for example. (I rediscovered, as I do almost every winter, that the cold does bite. In some instances though, it can be so lovely.) Biting is a harsh word, as new years often are. It’s also an active word, akin to seizing or opportunizing. It feels correct for this month: at once brutal and accurate.

I love using months as markers of the passage of time. They can feel so long, but so short. They can swallow you whole, or they can pass you by. I looked back at this month and realized I experienced such a wide range of emotions in a matter of a few weeks. Months are so captivating in that way. I was so sad and then so okay. Still sad, but still okay. I laughed a lot despite it all.

Some songs of various genres as we go into the next month: Direct Address by Lucy Dacus, Dead of Night by Orville Peck, Cool by Gwen Stefani, and the cover of Rainbow Connection by Hayley Williams (the best) and Weezer (the worst). May these songs inspire you. May the arbitrary designation of a month inspire you.

End of December 2021: Being

This picture is from a forest in Western Washington, east of Seattle. It is full of evergreen trees and ferns and mushrooms. I missed being there so much. I missed the way that the forest can make one feel so small…

End of the Month meets the End of the Year and it has definitely been a year. I have been exchanging remarks with friends and family and we seem to be in agreement; the year passed by unbelievably quick, but also unbearably slow. It was a year that didn’t happen, but it was a year that contained it all.

Not to be melodramatic, but I feel a sense of defeat at the end of this year. Personally, there are so many things happening in my life that I am excited about and very grateful for. But on a global scale and on a generational level, this year doesn’t feel like a victory, nor do I feel particularly excited about another year. I feel tired, but have I really done anything but live my little life? Not really. On one hand, I feel so spoiled. On another hand, I feel that our generation has earned the right to be discontent about whatever. I should probably stop writing in generalizations.

Just speaking for myself now: I think there is such value in slowing down with things and being present. I love a good dissociation session, but taking stock of the moment brings such a deep peace and an acknowledgment of how I feel in my own body. I don’t know. It’s hard to describe. But after living through so much, what can we do but just be? After the best of times or the worst of times… it’s back to being.

Thanks for reading this year and for being here. Thanks for indulging my wannabe blogger self. This personal journal/monthly update/vanity project has been a really nice way for me to process the passage of time. If you liked it, I will be even happier. And if you really liked it, you’ll be happy to know that we got picked up for another year of End of the Month baby!**

**by this I mean that WordPress automatically billed my credit card for another year

SHL ❤

End of November 2021: Negotiating

Negotiating. What an underrated gerund. We’re doing it every day: with loved ones, with strangers on the street, with ourselves. Some people may come to mind who you perceive to be really good at negotiating, but we’re all doing it. All the time. I found this month to be difficult in many ways. When it gets cold and dark and lonesome, it can feel tempting to idealize something else. Sometimes it’s hard to reason with ourselves. I love dissociating when things get difficult, but that’s not always healthy. In November, I found it useful to step back and look at things holistically—almost in an out-of-body way. Family and friends can also serve as great grounding forces.

Time keeps passing! It doesn’t always feel right. Thinking about how 2022 is around the corner is cause for alarm in many ways. The end of November is such a wake-up call to the passage of time and the torrential flow of the year.

I am thankful for many things: ways to keep me busy, delicious meals, the people I live with, reality shows, laughing with others, bits of candy, fizzy drinks, learning how to write, freedom to walk around the city, cold air in the morning, skincare, video games, my dog, desk ornaments, music that inspires me, the time to write this.